Tuesday, September 23, 2008

How do you recover from betrayal?

Recently I mentioned that Chris and I are not going to be involved with Girl Scouts. That is not entirely true. Chris has taken on the roll of co-leader for the Daisy troop and Mina is working with them also to get her community service hours for her silver award. I am taking as much of a break as I can get (people keep wanting me involved, whether I want to be or not). The betrayal comes in due the fact that a few, some, or most of the girls we have been leaders for over the last 5 years were not happy with me as their leader and had not been happy for a YEAR before anyone mentioned it to me. Though that seems a rather long time to wait to mention unhappiness to me, I am more of an unreasonable, unapproachable person than I was aware of. No one wanted to tell me, because they didn't think it would make any difference that things would still be my way. Obviously, or it seems so to me, that I can not change what I do not know about. I, contrary to popular opinion, CAN NOT read minds. My question is to you dear reader, how do you recover from such a betrayal, by people whom you thought of as friends when you were so obviously wrong? I am now questioning every thing I think, or do, wondering at my own judgement. I am forty years old, and I keep wondering "how can I still be so gullible as to be taken in by these people"? You want to believe that having lived in this world for 40 years that you know people pretty well, but I am proven wrong on this over and over. You can never know a person, that doesn't open up and be completely honest with you. Yesterday was the first meeting for the troop of girls that I had been leader of for 5 years, and the first that I have not gone to (I may have missed a couple others due to hospitalization or illness). I will say it was one of the worst days of my life. I struggle with depression, (which I take medication for and got to therapy for), and yesterday was tough. I have my husband and two of my gal friends worried about me. I must say I am very scared too. I have never felt so vulnerable or fragile. So if you have any sort of advice you want to share, please do. I can use all the help I can get at this point.


Angie said...

I'm sorry for the struggle you are having. When in this type of situation, I remind myself of several bits of wisdom I've picked up over the years. 1. All, none, everyone, no one -- are usually exaggerations. One very vocal individual can make it sound like the whole group agrees -- and the one or two people causing the gritching are usually very strong leaders and everyone just goes along with them rather than be criticized or ridiculed themselves. Adults really aren't so far from the playground as we think we are. 2. I have to determine what it is in my life that is important enough to warrant the investment of ME. There are lots of wonderful, deserving things we want to say "yes" to -- but we need to see how they fit into the big picture of our lives. Timing is everything. Sometimes it is appropriate to sacrifice our wants for the needs of someone else -- but not everytime someone asks us to do something. You can't give anyone else a drink if your well is empty. 3. Out of every 4 people, one will love me and I can't do anything to ever make them not love me, one will hate me and I can't do anything to change that either. The other two are neutral. Now, that takes some pressure off, doesn't it? 4. Most people who betray us are not doing it to hurt us. They are just trying to figure life out on their own -- and we just happened to get the short end of the stick. (There are a few people who really enjoy hurting other people -- but most people are just oblivious to the pain they inflct.) 5. People LOVE to gossip. If I'm the subject today, I just need to keep my head up and keep going forward in what I know is best. They will get over it and move on to someone else in a day or two. If I maintain my dignity and am respectful to those involved (versus engaging them in fury), I've won. People who know and love me always know the truth. If they don't know the truth, they respect me enough to ask me rather than believe the gossipers. 6. And, finally, I think the one that has the most positive results in the long run: A. Release them -- hanging on to them and the situation ties them around my neck -- and it keeps God from doing his work in my life, their lives, and in the situation if I won't let go. B. Make the conscious choice to forgive them -- no matter what they did. Forgiveness really isn't about them - it's about me healing and getting on down the road without a load of bittnerness. C. Pray for God to bless them. Every time the situation and feelings pop up, I need to release, forgive and bless - even when I'd rather they were cursed. It may take hundreds of times to finally get through it -- but I always do. God is so faithful -- but he does want me to grow as I go!

I hope your days are better!

Stephanie & Chris Haussler said...

Oh sure make me cry! Thanks for your support, and wisdom. It is getting better, I just still get angry/frustrated/hurt when I think about it. Life moves on and our lives change. I enjoy thinking about the different "phases" of my life, seeing the Then Stephanie vs. the Now Stephanie and the changes along the way. Thanks for being a great blogging buddy, it means so much to me to have this outlet the help with the daily insanity of life!

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